


It's Always Him

by raelee514



Series: Aaron Week 2020 [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, aaron week 2020, hey it's another reunion 3.0
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27003790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/pseuds/raelee514
Summary: Day 3 (14th Oct):  “Actually, I just miss you.” and/or “I love you, you idiot!”Aaron kept glancing over at Robert and Seb — his mind spinning with a million questions that he had no right to ask. But he wanted to the second he saw Seb with Robert around the village. But they weren't his business anymore — or at least that was what everyone told him over and over again if they so much saw him glance in Robert's direction.Like he didn't know that Robert had been in prison for five years.Like he didn't know he'd gotten married to Michael five months before the release happened.Like he didn't know that he and Robert were complicated.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Series: Aaron Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970935
Comments: 20
Kudos: 108





	It's Always Him

Aaron kept glancing over at Robert and Seb — his mind spinning with a million questions that he had no right to ask. But he wanted to the second he saw Seb with Robert around the village. But they weren't his business anymore — or at least that was what everyone told him over and over again if they so much saw him glance in Robert's direction. 

Like he didn't know that Robert had been in prison for five years. 

Like he didn't know he'd gotten married to Michael five months before the release happened. 

Like he didn't know that he and Robert were complicated. 

It would always be complicated. 

But Robert promised to respect his marriage, told him he was happy for him and that all he'd wanted was for Aaron to be happy. And Aaron had screamed at him and glared at him for the first month he was back…

But he forgave him. Of course, he forgave Robert. And though, maybe Robert forgave him too… After all, Aaron hadn't fought it. He'd accepted their divorce. Fourteen years loomed. He'd just always hated it ended.

That they ended. 

It never quite felt real. 

And they talked sometimes. If they were in the queue together in the shops or the cafe. Or if they were both at the bar. But it was short and quick. Never sweet. Sometimes it left a bitter taste in Aaron's throat…

Because he wanted more. 

But for a little over a year, that was how it'd been. 

Then Seb showed up, and all Aaron knew, after a talk with Charity, was there had been an accident, and Rebecca was dead. He knew that would break Robert's heart — not because he cared about Rebecca but because he'd always wanted Seb to his mother. It'd been important to him for Seb to have a mother — the relationship he lost twice before he was fully grown. 

He knew Robert traced most of his trauma to losing his mothers. 

Robert would hate this was how he'd gotten his son back. 

Aaron wanted to meet him. Seb. Again. See if the little boy who liked plastic power tools and stuffed giraffes was inside the tall for his age eight year old. He was thin and clumsy. His hair was still red-blonde, and he had freckles all over his face. 

He looked enough like Robert; it hurt Aaron's heart. 

He watched them from where he sat at the bar. His heart hurt, but he was happy for Robert. To have Seb back, after fighting and fighting with Rebecca over the right to see him and always losing. They never really discussed it, but in those few short and sweet conversations over the year…

Aaron knew it'd been hurting Robert's soul. Because he knew Robert's other wish for their — his — son was that he'd have a father he could count on, that would love him unconditionally and never let him down. It was a tall order, but they'd promised each other to try — they both knew pain from the opposite. 

Seb laughed suddenly, his face lighting, and it made Robert brighten, and Aaron had to look away because he looked like the sun, and Aaron wanted to walk over and step into its warmth. 

He heard a throat clear and turned to see his husband. "That the kid?"

Aaron nodded. 

"Looks like him."

Aaron nodded. 

"So, he's keeping him?"

Aaron frowned. "Of course, he's keeping him." 

Michael shrugged. "He's never seemed the family type to me."

"What would you know about it," Aaron snapped. 

Michael blinked. "Aaron…"

"He is. Alright. He loves the bones of that kid…" Aaron sighed. He was crying. He felt his own heart screaming to see Seb, and he looked back. "He's..a great kid."

"I thought you two didn't have custody of him?"

"Wanted too."

"You did?" Michael shook his head. 

Aaron looked at him.

"Just…don't know if I'd want a kid that wasn't mine."

Aaron frowned.

"Not that I'm sure about kids at all."

Aaron hated how relieved that made him because he glanced over to Robert and remembered wanting more. Wanting as many kids as they could have — to love and protect. To build a family. 

"Aaron?" Michael said again.

"Yeah," he tore his eyes away from Robert and Seb. 

"Are you ready? I booked us a table for 8, at that place in Hotten."

"Yeah, yeah…" Aaron nodded. "Just gonna head to the bogs for a minute."

He walked in, splashed some water on his face, and looked in the mirror. His life was different now. He wasn't that person anymore. The man who was married to Robert. His wedding band was gold, he only had one anniversary and wasn't an almost dad to a little kid. 

The door opened behind him, and Seb walked in. 

Aaron froze.

Seb nodded at him, polite, no recognition. 

His heart pounded because it hurt. He loved him. It hurt. He couldn't help it. He turned and blindly left the bogs, just walked right out of the pub. It was raining, and it felt cold and good on his face. He just walked until he stopped at the bridge.

"Aaron…" he heard a voice behind, and he turned. 

Robert hurried up to him. "Are you alright?"

Aaron blinked at him. 

Robert closed his eyes, looked around awkwardly, and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, um…old habits."

Aaron laughed. "What running after me when I have a panic attack?"

"Yeah…always felt smug...you trusted me."

"I know."

"I should get back…don't want Seb to freak…" he turned. 

"Robert…" Aaron winced that he hadn't stopped himself.

Robert turned back. 

Aaron pushed down what he wanted to ask. He wouldn't ask to meet Seb. It wasn't his business anymore. It hurting didn't change that. He took a deep breath. "I heard about Rebecca…obviously…uh, um…it's awful and all but…But, he's so lucky to have you."

Robert's chin wobbled, and he looked down. "Do you think?"

Aaron nodded. "It's another thing, I know."

Robert's mouth twitched up into a smile. "I better…"

Aaron nodded and watched him walk away. 

~~~

"Aaron…Aaron…" 

His husband's voice was irritated, and Aaron thought he could guess why his phone was ringing, this awful buzzing noise that he could only guess was maybe his phone's default ringtone. He fell out of bed, trying to reach it, to shut it up…

But one look at the caller I.D. woke him straight up. 

He scrambled out of the bedroom, straight down the stairs, and sat in one of the gaming chairs. "Robert?" he said instead of hello.

"You answered."

"Of course."

"I'm at the hospital."

"What?" he stood up.

"It's nothing, really. He's fine. But he ran off, he's so angry about Rebecca, and I'm trying, I think might be getting it right and then he runs off. Found him freezing, wet, he wouldn't wake up. But it's sorted now, we talked…" Robert let out a breath. "He wouldn't wake up. I thought he was in his room and…"

"Hey, hey. You found yeah, you figured it out."

"What if…"

"You found him. He's with ya. He probably scared himself."

"Yeah…I check on him, every night, like when he was with us... How we did."

Aaron smiled. 

"It helps me sleep, seeing his chest rise and fall. Knowing he's with me again, somehow after how much I messed up…"

"We all mess up."

"Yeah…just when I do…" Robert sighed. "Am I good enough for him?"

"Yes," Aaron snapped. "Better than."

"How are you so sure?"

"I know what it's like to be loved by ya…" Aaron whispered, and he knew he shouldn't have, but he felt no regret. "I mean it."

"Aaron… He remembers you."

"What?"

"Yeah… he asked me about you the other day. If it was you in all the pictures of me, Bex used to let him see. He remembers that trip to the zoo… remember? He remembers bits of it, you and me, chocolate ice cream." 

Aaron inhaled. 

"I told him it was complicated, but if he wanted to meet ya, I'd ask you."

"I do."

"Sorry, I didn't do straight away, but…"

"No, no, I get it. I want… I want too."

"Alright…um. I wanna get back into his room, let us… recuperate from this and?"

"You know where I am."

"I do."

"Get some sleep, Robert. Drink water…" Aaron closed his eyes at how easy it all felt.

"Yes, boss," Robert joked before the line closed.

~~~

Chas barged into the Portacabin a month later. 

Aaron blinked at her. 

She pointed her finger at him and then opened her mouth.

Aaron stared. 

"I just ran into Michael."

Aaron nodded.

"He told me, and I quote. 'Aaron's busy this weekend. He's going to the Zoo with Seb." 

Aaron clenched his fists under his desk. 

"Is that true?"

"Yeah."

"Why in the bloody hell are you taking that kid to the zoo?"

"That KID. That KID. You used to call him your first grandchild."

Chas sighed. "But he's not is he, Aaron. He's not our family."

Aaron shook his head. "He is."

"No, sweetheart… Robert shouldn't be putting this on you. That's his kid. He has to figure out how to raise him on his own. He can't use your feelings like that against ya… it nearly destroyed you losing that little boy. You want to go through that again?"

"Robert's not using anything against me," Aaron sighed. "He's going to be there too."

"WHAT?"

"I've been. Seb remembers me, bits and pieces anyway. A bit more, the more we hang out. He remembers…" he trailed off before he said _us_. Us meaning him and Robert. "It's helping him deal with losing Rebecca. To remember, he used to feel safe with Robert too…"

"And he should, Robert's his father, but…"

"What, mum. Do you really think I just shut off caring about that kid? He a size and a half bigger, but he's still….My kid. I loved him. I wanted to adopt him..I…" he wiped at his face. "He wants to know me, and I'm not gonna say no, not when he's lost his mum."

Chas made a face but said nothing. 

"It's helping him and me…" He sighed. "I hated not knowing, I thought about every single day. At least now, I can see him."

"And Robert?"

"What about him?" Aaron said. 

"Are you enjoying spending time with Robert?"

He sighed.

"Oh, Aaron…"

"Don't," he snapped.

"You're married."

"I KNOW."

"Please, please don't do anything stupid."

_Would it be?_

He couldn't look at her if that was what he was thinking. 

~~~

There was a popping sound, and Robert's Porsche shuddered, smoke appeared under the hood, and the car jerked and fought Robert trying to pull into a nearby lay by. Aaron looked in the backseat to check on Seb, worried it might wake him up. Or even frighten him. Robert had told him he had nightmares about the car accident that killed Rebecca. 

"He alright," Robert asked as he turned off the car.

"Out cold, hugging that bear."

"You didn't have to win it for him, you know," Robert smiled.

Aaron shrugged. 

"Thank you," Robert said, his voice soft. 

It flowed through Aaron. It'd been a long time since he heard that tone. He looked up into eyes that he knew better than his own. Robert kept their gaze locked just a second too long before looking away. "Guess, we better look,' he muttered and popped the hood. 

"We?" Aaron laughed and got out of the car.

"Your job is tearing them apart, not keeping them running, you know," Robert said. 

They met at the hood of the car. "Still was the better mechanic."

"You wish," Robert said. 

Aaron shook his head and opened the hood. It didn't look good as smoke plumed out. "It's time to call it, Rob."

"But…" Robert sighed. This wasn't the first time the Porsche broke down in the last year. 

"I tried to drive it as much as I could, but it just sat for too long."

"You? I thought you paid Cain to upkeep it?"

Aaron felt caught. "Yeah, well, I really only paid him to keep it at the farm. I did all the work…I just couldn't sell it. Did think about scrapping it once or twice when I was angry.'

Robert laughed.

_God. I miss that._ Aaron closed the hood. "I'll call Cain, where are we, anyway?"

"Um, about that…" Robert was chuckling. 

Aaron looked around. "Oh."

"Yeah."

Aaron felt his heart speed up. 

"What is it about this place?"

"You chose it," Aaron said. 

"Seemed far enough away from… the world at the time."

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"I wasn't really thinking straight." 

"That's a given."

Robert laughed again, and Aaron knew he'd done anything to make it happen, over and over. He felt fear shoot through him, and he stepped backward and away from Robert…

As if a step away would do a lick of good. 

Robert noticed and fell quiet.

Aaron held up his phone. "Cain."

"Yeah, you better, looks about ready to rain."

Aaron looked at the sky. 

"Going check on Seb…" 

Aaron sighed as Robert walked away so he could call Cain. 

Walked away before…  
_What?_

~~~

Michael kissed him hello.

He walked into The Mill, and his husband kissed him hello.

It tasted like ash. 

The Mill looked wrong, with the couch from Michael's flat and the landscapes on the walls his mum had bought them for a 'housewarming' present. The paint was a softer blue, and the cabinets been switched out…

Aaron pretending he liked them better than old stupid handleless ones. 

He swallowed over a lump in his throat and walked upstairs. 

He went into the bedroom. New bed — but it really wasn't. He'd bought it a year after Robert left. It'd felt a way to move on. He'd always hated it. Regretted it. He frowned and opened the closet. Dropped to his knees and pulled out a box.

He opened it.

Robert's old leather jacket was on the top. It was worn and ripped in places, but Robert had loved it. It'd still smelled like him last time Aaron opened it. It'd been a long time, though. And he had the smell of him in his nose anyway…

Same citrus, now with a hint of something spicy and Robert.

He picked up pictures of them. Their weddings, their honeymoon. Their first anniversary trip — their only first anniversary celebrated. Just before it all fell apart…

Aaron sighed. All he felt was the regret now. How unfinished they felt. How ripped apart it all was… This gaping wound inside of him that been where Robert fit…

It was threading itself back together now that they were really talking again. 

He wasn't surprised.

He was angry at himself for not doing it sooner. 

He picked up the box. 

With their rings. 

He opened it. 

He stared at them.

Then at his ring finger and the gold.

He hated gold. He wondered why he just never told Michael. 

But then the rings might have looked…

Fear made his heart race.

"Aaron."

He inhaled. And stood up.

"What's all that?"

"Me and Robert."

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry, Michael…but…"

"Whoa…" Michael held up his hand. "Your mum said you might do this. Don't let him into your head, or ruin us, I don't know what he's said or done. But we're happy, Aaron."

"Him?"

"Your mum said he'd try to get you back."

"He hasn't tried anything."

"Asking you to help with Seb."

"My son…" Aaron said and felt so good. "I'm horrible, this is…awful, but…"

"Aaron, we're married."

"And I tried..but it's not…"

"What?"

"I love him. I feel… alive when I'm with him. I don't wonder about… anyone else."

"Aaron."

"I thought about him every day he was gone. Even our wedding day… our honeymoon. I still think about him every day, missing him, when he's right there…

He's right there.

And always need to find his eyes when we pass each other.

I need to connect with him. 

And even just that second of eye contact has been the best part of my day."

"You're seriously…"

"He's my home. I'm sorry."

"He did this."

"He doesn't even know yet…" Aaron sighed and walked past Michael, down the stairs and out of the Mill. 

He walked straight to Keepers. 

He knocked. 

And knocked.

The door floor open. "We've got a kid sleeping…Aaron?"

Aaron smiled. 

"Aaron?"

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Do I.."

"Do you love me? Do you still…"

"I love you, you idiot…I'll always love you…" Robert sighed. "I shouldn't say…"

"You should."

"Aaron, you're married…and I…I can't ask you to go back on that."

"You haven't, I know you won't…I just. I actually miss you. I miss you every day. I missed you today when you were standing right in front of me. In that place, where you first kissed me… The best day of me life, that. Some irritating, closeted smug chancer changed my life. That wasn't only you, Robert. You told me, I was all you think about it. I couldn't get you out of me head…

I never have. 

You are it for me."

"I can't…" Robert closed his eyes. "I can't lose you again."

"Third time is a charm."

"Every day?"

"Everyday." 

"Your family?"

"Can do one if they don't get in line."

Robert nodded.

"I can come in? Be with you and our son?"

"Aaron…" Robert was right in his face, hands on his cheeks, their mouths connecting. 

The fire it lit rivaled their first kiss. 

Aaron was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Think I tried a bit too hard to literally make the quotes as it work, but here it is <3


End file.
